you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
