Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
