Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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