I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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