Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just tell him i said nine months
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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