omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
