at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
