My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
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