is your mom at the bar?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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