this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have already put on my inside pants.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
