I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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