he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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