twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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