you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
