i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
