just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
