i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
