Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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