We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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