Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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