enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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