I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
