If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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