if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize