before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
