Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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