Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
