we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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