He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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