I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
