I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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