I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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