Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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