why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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