If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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