his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
