I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
