If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
