I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
so much tequila, so little girl.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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