i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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