you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
