you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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