Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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