I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
