I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
