I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Blood and glitter go together right?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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