Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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