Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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