FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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