I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
