I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
