I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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