but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
