so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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