Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
