Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
