The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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