Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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